Graphic/Doan Nguyen

    Well, it’s that time of the year again. Eight weeks ago you were free as a bird. The last bell had rung and after your last exam a sense of utter joy sent your body into near convulsions of glee. Then, three or four weeks ago, at shopping malls and on television screens across America, you began to see the three most disturbing words known to any kid ages five to eighteen: “Back To School.”

    Like any other kid you shrugged it off. “School is eons away,” you said. “There is no way I can even possibly begin to think about going back to school.” But now that the baseball season is winding down, football season is just getting started, and the assignments are rolling in at a furious pace, it can no longer be denied. School is back. With that in mind, I have several messages to the class of 2006.

    First of all, I am a senior, which means I am your supreme overlord. You will do as I or any of my fellow seniors say, or you will suffer the consequences. Trust me, you don’t want to know what those are. Just like you, I was once a lowly freshman and was forced to do countless embarrassing tasks by virtue of being a member of the football team. Of course, I saw the error of my ways and quit the football team. So, if a senior at lunch asks you to do something stupid or gross or embarrassing, just do it. We will leave you alone after a week or two. We promise.

    The second order of business is the pool on the roof. Your SA president, senior Carter Delloro, recently informed me that the hot tub he lobbied so hard for was installed prior to the first day of school. In addition, the PTO chipped in for new lounge chairs and there’s also a juice bar. If any of you freshmen have a free period, or are keen on making an awful first impression on your new home for the next four years by skipping class, I fully recommend a trip up to the roof. Oh wait, you’re freshmen. You don’t have free periods.

    Lastly, and possibly most importantly, is the issue of hallway traffic. Yes, I realize that Hall is a bigger place than King Philip was. I understand that each wing of this school looks almost identical and you never quite know whether you are in the ‘A’ wing or the ‘C’ wing. I also am aware that coming from KP, none of you are skilled in the use of stairs. Frankly, I don’t care. We seniors do not—I repeat, do not—like to be kept idle in the hallways.

    By no means am I suggesting that we are eager to get to class. Rather, we despise those now infamous logjams in which nearly 150 people converge by a stairwell and nobody can get through to their class. It is a nuisance. It is also a problem that can easily be fixed. No, I don’t mean by connecting Hall with a system of roads. I mean by letting each freshman know that hallway idleness will not be tolerated. I have already notified Zandra Smith, and plan on asking the SA to raise funds for a cattle prod or three. Let this serve as your warning, freshmen—learn your way around the school and learn it well.

    In conclusion, my little freshmen friends, the easy way to get ahead is to do as you’re told. A little hazing here or there won’t hurt you. On the way to the pool, just tell the bouncer at the top of the stairs that Abe sent you and there will be no questions asked. Finally, do not block the halls or Zandra and I will be forced to handle it Dazed and Confused style.

    Take my advice seriously, little kiddies, because we know who you are. Especially you, Travis Bass.

Abe Silk is a senior at Hall and likes the Atlanta Braves.