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4/1/98

Titanic ballad goes on to become new school song
by the Celine Dion Fan Club

Elaine "Rose" Bessette

    In a surprising move, Principal Elaine Bessette has changed our official school song from "Alma Mater" to "My Heart Will Go On," Celine Dion’s wildly popular ballad from the movie Titanic.

    "Titanic is without a doubt the greatest cinematic work of any kind to ever be created," Bessette explained, replacing snapshots of her family which had sat on her desk with glossies of Leonardo DiCaprio.

    Overcome by emotion, Bessette continued, "That song is the greatest song of all time, so why shouldn’t it be our school song? I know that every time I hear a graduating class serenade me with James Horner’s soulful melody, my eyes will tear up as I remember the good times that were once shared between Jack and Rose, during their all-too-brief love affair." A statement later issued from her office added that the song would remind her of the students as well. The statement was printed on Titanic stationary.

    Most students met the news with relief that "Alma Mater" was a thing of the past. However, not everyone was thrilled.

    "It’s a chick song," whined a prominent member of the Choraliers. "And if we have to sing it in that stupid breathy voice, I’m gonna freak." In addition, Hall’s vegan community expressed horror at the number of furs worn by characters in the movie, although it seemed unperturbed by the 1,500 drowning passengers.

    An area of confusion has been whether the school will adopt the recorded version of the Titanic song, or the popular radio version with quotations from the movie. The matter has been referred to a committee, headed by members of the Athletic Leadership Council.

    "This committee is very important," they said. "Pointless committees are always important." In the meantime, Choir Director Lorri Cetto has begun auditioning singers to say vital lines of dialogue such as "Iceberg! Right ahead!" and "I’ll never let go Jack."

    More controversial is Bessette’s proposal to change the name of Hall High School to Jack Dawson Memorial High School. "Mr. Dawson may be dead," said Bessette, a tiny tear trickling down her face, "but we can preserve his memory by dedicating this school to him."

    When a Highlights reporter pointed out that Mr. Dawson is a fictional character, Bessette mumbled something along the lines that the reporter’s heart would not go on if he did not shut up.

    Superintendent David Sklarz has advised Bessette to "get a life," admitting to Highlights, "I thought the iceberg looked fake anyway."