click here to go back to the main April Fools' Day page
4/1/98

STORG assimilates students

    STORG, a student political group which disappeared months ago, has resurfaced and set out to ruthlessly indoctrinate every Hall student into its collective. "We are the STORG," intoned co-President Nell Derick in a chilling monotone. "Resistance is futile."

NHS to run organ drive

    Encouraged by the success of their annual blood drives, the National Honor Society has decided to sponsor an organ drive next year. "We will accept kidneys, spleens and the occasional gall bladder," an NHS representative stated. Offers for hearts, lungs and brains will be graciously declined.

Grudzien: Lord of the Dance

    After the editorial staff of Hall Highlights drove its advisor, Mark Grudzien, to the brink of insanity, he finally quit. In a violent flurry of expletives and strange noises, he screamed in an abnormally high pitched squeal, "I quit! That’s right, I quit! I’m going to go...join the jazz dancers!" Haig Shahverdian was so thrilled at the idea that he promptly made Grudzien the new Jazz Dancers captain. "No other teacher in this building has such a unique sense of rhythm," he commented.

Paul Grubbs shaves beard

    In a recent English versus Social Studies department wager over which could drink the most coffee, the English department found itself on the losing end. As a consequence, English teacher Paul Grubbs was forced to shave his beard while repeating sentences in the passive voice. Social Studies teacher Thomas Devine, whose beard was also at stake, expressed his relief at having ended up on the winning side.

We can’t fill this space

    Highlights has found itself unable to fill this column with newsworthy, informative, or titillating material. When the lack of material was announced to the public, the Dow dropped 50 points, although many analysts blame this on tension in the Middle East. "This is most embarrassing," observes Editor-in-Chief Matt Belinkie. "Perhaps if I drone on for long enough, my words will fill this space. Oooh– look! The land of chocolate! Mmm... chocolate computer. Chocolate cropping wheel. Chocolate opinions box. La la la la la la... the land of chocolate..."