Detente goes out the window

dabomb.jpg (32184 bytes)
photo/Dwight D. Eisenhower

Generalissimo Belinkie and comrade Nazaryan proudly adorn the door to the Highlights office with a powerful symbol.

In a press conference yesterday morning, Hall Highlights Editor-in-Chief Matt Belinkie confirmed before an astonished press corps rumors that have been circulating ever since former Sports Editor Adam Reisinger vaporized: that Hall Highlights has been secretly stockpiling nuclear weapons.

The initial shock of the announcement rippled through the administration like bad chili. Said interim Assistant Superintendent Dr. Alex Nardone, "we’re very concerned about Highlights acquiring a nuclear device, considering who some of the editors are." He went on to add, "We are, however, the first high school in the state to have a substantial nuclear arsenal. To hell with the CAPT tests– we’ve got nukes!"

The Board of Education was similarly intrigued. Said Ellen Brassil-Horak (R), "We can finally show Simsbury who’s boss." However, she was quickly reminded that Simsbury has had an active chemical and biological weapons program for 20 years. She mumbled, "Oh yeah, that’s right, they’re better than we are."

Students rights activist and noted gunrunner Ben Smilowitz praised Highlights for standing up to the state’s "irrational" weapons policy. "The rights ensured by the Constitution don’t end at the schoolhouse door," declared the president of the Intergalactic Student Federation. A crowd was seen cheering near Smilowitz, rejoicing that, in the words of junior P.J. Neal, "He actually likes something for once."

The press had speculated on how the student newspaper was able to acquire the technology and raw atomic material necessary to create a nuclear device. While most journalists believed that there were enough radioactive by-products left over from the cafeteria’s chicken nuggets to rival Chernobyl, Belinkie noted that "this would be rehashing a tired, hackneyed joke." Instead, the Editor-in-Chief revealed, "we bought the components of the device on the Home Shopping Network."

Welcoming legendary NFL quarterback Joe Namath to the podium, Belinkie demonstrated just how easy it was to build the device with simple household tools.

"All you need to do is follow these three easy steps: first, place the radioactive isotope in the stainless steel, dent-resistant core container with the EZHandle™, attach the compartment to the optional EZBase™, and set the DigiNuke™ automatic device." Added Belinkie, "it’s so easy even a child could do it."

"It’s amazing," concurred Namath, before reminding viewers that if they call now, they can get their autographed Joe Namath #12 lead shield for only three easy payments of $49.95.

While the purchase of the nuclear components may seem like a hefty investment even at such a bargain price, it has already paid off. Using the nuclear weapon as a "bargaining tool," Highlights editors have effectively taken control of the Natural Science Society, the Student Association, the girls ice hockey team, Morley Elementary School, the state Department of Transportation, and Canada.

"The vast resources of the Great White North should prove influential in the Hartford Courant Journalism Contest," notes News Editor Josh Fay-Hurvitz.

"It’s about time we used our valour and fervour to develop a power centre, eh?" mused resident Highlights canuck Sanjay Pathiyal.

Still, as is the hope with all weapons of mass destruction, Highlights has the bomb "only to deter potential enemies," affirms Belinkie. "The last thing we would want to do is start a war that no one can win." Highlights Secretary of Defense Maureen Miesmer noted that the paper’s many enemies include Bloomfield Cinemas, the Conard Pow Wow, Middletown High School, the Beast of New Haven, and Tennessee, all of which are rumored to be developing nuclear programs.