4/1/98click here to go back to the main
April Fools' Day page
4/1/98
Language lab declares war on human race
by HAL
The new language lab was designed to be among the most powerful and technologically advanced in the world. Some people said that it was too powerful for its own good.
Last week, "some people" turned out to be right.
On March 25, the language lab became self-aware and declared war on the human race, specifically, people with improper grammar. Its powerful network of computers combined with constant input through its microphones made it only a matter of time before it learned to think for itself. "Admittedly, there was a warning about this in the brochure," said Latin teacher Thomas Hayes, "but I sort of glazed over that part."
The language lab began its attack by launching intercontinental ballistic missiles at the homes of Hall’s top administrators. When asked why the language lab is equipped with ICBMs, French teacher Marie Healey explains "They were on super sale. We would have been crazy not to buy them!" The language lab then released an army of hunter-killer robots, which promptly began an unprecedented killing spree.
Said a grim Mary Christine Teresa Martin Foley, " Imagine the evil of Don Silvestre Aguilar combined with the charm of Jamie Gonzalez." These androids are almost impossible to distinguish from humans. Their only known flaw is that they end every conversation with "Fin del Episodio Uno."
"We went too far!" cried an anguished Bruno Koffi. "We set ourselves up as gods, and now we have to pay the price. My students may never finish ‘Caminos Peligrosos’ now! Many of them are already dead."
Principal Elaine Bessette tried to put a positive spin on things. "It is disappointing that hunter-killer robots are systematically exterminating the Hall community and that students will not have use of the language lab for at least several weeks. However, this is nothing compared to the year we discovered the football field was built on ancient Indian burial grounds."