 Titanic ballad goes on to
become new school song
by the Celine Dion Fan Club
In a controversial move by Dr. Bessette, Hall's school song, previously
"Alma Mater," is now the international runaway smash "My Heart Will Go
On." I am running short on medication.
Highlights has the bomb!
by J. Robert Oppenheimer
At a press conference yesterday, Highlights Editor in Chief Matt
Belinkie confirmed suspicions that yes, Hall's school newspaper does have nuclear
weapons. Please- someone needs to feed my dog while I'm away.
Hoyt and Burtness set to
rumble
by Nitro, Tower, and Ice
It's a showdown of the mad scientists in an all-out melee. I
can't find my glasses.
From detentions to Twister™: Rita Jaffee's
career change
by Chubby Checker
Rita Jaffee, who recently announced her intentions to step down as Dean of
Students, reveals her future goals to Highlights. My future
goals are to defeat these giant spiders.
Ask an Angst-Filled Teenage
Poet
More of your questions of love, school, and friendship answered by Highlights'
resident manic-depressive, isolated, yet wistfully poetic advice expert. It requires 37 more muscles to frown than it does to smile.
Mr. Devine eligible for CBA draft
by Kirk King
Highlights talks to former social studies teacher Tom Devine
about his aspirations in the nation's second-most prestigious professional league. I used to play in the Premier League until that twit McBride's terrier
chewed apart my ACL. Blimey!
Highlights succumbs to Girl Power
by Austin Powers
The powers that be have decided to change the appeal of the editorial staff,
bringing in none other than the Spice Girls. I have 47 pounds of
sillicone hidden in a closet.
Expatriate condemns freedom, promulgates gruel
consumption
by Leon Q. Trotsky, special to Highlights
An expatriated Russian nationalist speaks frankly about the old country, and the
ludicrous document that is the Constitution. The only document I
live by is a transcript of Reggie White's address to the Wisconsin State Legislature.
Language lab declares war on
human race
by HAL
Watch out for hunter-killer robots. Especially the French
ones with the poison-dart guns.
SIDELIGHTS
The return of the STORG, organ drive initiated, Grubbs shaves his heard, and the
Land of Chocolate. I worked at Godiva but was fired when I dunked my
head in a vat of nougat.
Project 21 Update
by Sully and Biff
More important changes to Hall's ongoing renovation saga. The
doctors said I'd never be able to operate a chainsaw again. I'll show them! Ha ha! Wait-
where are you taking me? |
(It's so soft!)