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4/1/98

Hoyt and Burtness set to rumble
by Nitro, Tower, and Ice

    For years, Math and Science guru Norman Burtness has played second fiddle to veteran Physics teacher Daniel Hoyt. While Hoyt has received praise, groupies, and fame over the years, Burtness has had to content himself with dominion over the chess club.

    However, today Mr. B is sounding more like Mr. T, as he is demanding a battle for dominance of the science department.

    "Hoyt’s day is finished," he said in a recent interview, while engaging in one-handed pushups on the floor of his chemistry room. "My day is dawning. It’s time for me to prove my superiority."

    Burtness wants an American Gladiators-style test of strength and agility, including such events as the Joust, the Atlasphere, and the dreaded Eliminator. As he divulged these details, Burtness let a gleeful smirk spread across his face: "Just think," he chuckled, "How could Hoyt ever fit through those narrow gates at the end of the Eliminator?"

    Hoyt responded to the challenge by saying: "Burtness has got to learn that if he’s gonna mess with fire, he’s gonna get ‘hoyt.’ Ha ha." He then continued making strange modifications to the cathode ray tube he had recently unshelved.

    Burtness’ motives are certainly nothing to laugh about. He says, "While Hoyt has earned his keep with one measly subject, I have taught practically everything on the curriculum. In addition, I have developed a cure for senioritis in my spare time. But does anyone care? It’s time to settle the score."

    When asked what he hopes to gain from the battle, Burtness stared out the window for a while, and then muttered something about "that guy’s mammoth key ring." He might have revealed more, but became too involved in the meticulous process of filling mini super-soakers with hydrochloric acid.

    Principal Elaine Bessette is unsure of what to make of the upcoming grudge match. "I usually try to stay out of these disputes. When Mrs. Brennan challenged Mr. Puchol-Salva to a one-on-one B-ball tourney for leadership in the department, I didn’t intercede. My biggest concern is that Hoyt might ‘hoyt’ Burtness. Ha ha."

    Handicappers are favoring Hoyt at 8-5, citing experience and the weight advantage. (His substantially larger mass will make it easier for him to move the giant ball cages in the atlasphere). Also, Hoyt’s cult-like following of past and present physics students is expected to give him an advantage in the stands. (In response to this prediction, Burtness stated that the JETS team will stand behind him to the bitter end. The JETS team adamantly denies any such loyalty.)

    Suddenly, Burtness gets a ominous twinkle in his eye. "Don’t worry about me getting ‘hoyt,’" he says. "Nothing can stop me from getting Hoyt. Wait a minute. Rats."