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4/1/98

Expatriate condemns freedom, promulgates gruel consumption
by Leon Q. Trotsky, special to Highlights

    Nine years ago, I came to this country from Mother Russia a destitute man. My sole possessions were a deflated balloon and a half-used bottle of cologne. However, even with so little, I have made so much, and am now a rich and prosperous man. However, there still are things which irk me about this great country of ours. My biggest beef with America is the idea of "freedom." A useless and outdated idea, freedom is as obsolete as polyester. Perhaps the most irritating aspect of American freedom is the Bill of Rights. I cannot possibly fathom the purpose of this useless document. In this piece, I will attempt to refute the major amendments in the Bill.

Amendment 1: This amendment guarantees everyone freedom of speech. Great. All we need is people running their mouths off about every little issue. As my mother would say, "Shut up, and eat your gruel!" Instead of letting every Joe Blow voice his opinion, why not let me do all the talking for this country. I promise you, my rhetoric is superior to yours– I’ve read The Brothers Karamazov eight times.

Amendment 2: The right to bear arms. This deceptive amendment deludes dim-witted citizens into believing they can own weaponry to use in self-defense. Yet, purchasing such products as hand grenades, bazookas and land mines is illegal. Back in the motherland, there was no such hypocrisy– the black market lords said we could own nuclear missiles, so we did.

Amendment 3: It says you don’t have quarter soldiers during peace time. You know, in most countries, you have to pay money to have muscular, sweaty men in uniform come to your house.

Amendment 4: Search and seizure according to a just warrant. The only law I know is ABC’s NYPD Blue. If Detective Sipowicz doesn’t have to follow this amendment, neither do I. If I want to come to your house and rough you up, believe me, I’ll do it. And you’ll like it. ’Cuz I’m a tough guy.

    And all the other amendments, they’re all worthless as well. Back in the old country, we couldn’t afford even three amendments, much less the twenty-six you Americans have. Oh, the decadence of your country. Time to go back to my vodka and borscht.