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4/1/98

Highlights succumbs to Girl Power
by Austin Powers

    In a bold attempt to increase Highlights’ general appeal, the higher-ups have brought in a new editorial staff for Hall’s newspaper, to replace the current News, Opinions, Features, Arts/Reviews, and Sports editors. The search for a group of five dedicated young people with the ability to work as a team proved difficult at first. But after much perseverance, the search committee finally came up with the five perfect canidates.

    The Spice Girls, renowned for their inability to sing and complete lack of fashion sense, intend to take over the editorial duties of Hall Highlights starting next issue. With each taking the helm of one of the paper’s five sections, they proposed radical changes to both format and content.

    "We decided to change the name of the Sports section to the ‘Sporty’ section," announced an elated Melanie Chisholm (a.k.a. Sporty Spice). "In addition to having the numbers detailing the most recent losses of your teams, the section will include notes on the latest spandex designs by Adidas."

    They also decided to rework the idea of a spread. "It doesn’t take an idiot to realize that Playboy’s spreads get more attention than yours do," they criticized bitingly. However, they admitted that they were running into administrative censorship problems over the proposed changes. Nevertheless, the Girls expressed confidence that Girl Power would eventually prevail, as it inevitably does.

    The front page will also get its share of revisions. Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice), heir to the News section, has decided that every issue’s front page will contain a full page ad for their CD, Spice World. "It’s not because we need the money," she forcefully claims. "It’s all about the music."

    With the five current page editors out of jobs, the only present member of the staff speaking out in favor of the new arrangement is the paper’s Editor-in-Chief, Matt Belinkie. "While I liked all my old colleagues, this new staff will be...well...more.." His voice began to trail off as he turned his attention to the approaching Melanie Brown (Scary Spice). "British. That’s it. British. Really."

    The old editors, however, were less accepting of the changes than Belinkie. "Why, those grating figureheads of runaway Western capitalism," mumbled former features editor Alex Nazaryan. "This whole thing is ludicrous... just ludicrous."

    "This is not what I had in mind when I said that Highlights needed more female editors," added a visibly bitter Courtney Yuen.

    Despite the complaints and bad words from the former editorial staff, the Spice Girls stress that their goals for the newspaper are the same as before. Says Emma Bunton (Baby Spice), "we’re only committed to giving the students what they want. What they really, really want."

    Prepare for the British Invasion.