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4/1/98

Mr. Devine eligible for CBA draft
by Kirk King

    In a shocking press conference yesterday, social studies guru Thomas Devine declared himself eligible for the CBA draft. "I’ve decided to follow my lifelong dream, to play for the Yakima Sun Kings. Teaching has never been my forte," declared Devine, "at least not when compared to my baseline fadeaway jumper."

    This announcement came as a shock to many students who can’t bring themselves to see Devine as anything more than an educator. "I think I had him for World Civ. freshman year," states senior Alex Nazaryan. "Isn’t he that guy with the beard?" Yes Alex, he is, but Mr. Devine is much more than that. He’s 5 feet and 10 inches of terror rumbling down the lane, a crazed madman driving to the basket. There is little doubt that such a determined individual will succeed, but why the CBA? Here’s an excerpt from the press conference to help answer that and other questions concerning this whirlwind of events:

    Reporter: Why the CBA, not the NBA? Are you that bad?
    Devine: On the contrary, I’m that good. You see, I feel that the CBA needs a superstar to help it compete with the NBA, rather than remain a farm league for guys like Kevin Ollie and Tate George.
    Reporter: Aren’t you worried by your lack of experience?
    Devine: Actually, I see it as a plus. Look at today’s players– Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Jermaine O’Neal– you don’t even have to go to college anymore to succeed. Not only did I graduate high school, but I went on to four years of college and even to graduate school, which now will make me not only the hero for the CBA, but for fans everywhere who want to see pro athletes that are serious about education.
    Reporter: Do you have any stories about your prior basketball experiences?
    Devine: Well, my friends used to call me "sweetness" because I had all the moves.
    Reporter: Really?
    Devine: No... but it could have happened.
    Reporter: Can you dunk?
    Devine: Dunking is a cheap way to get a basket. It takes a great player to score consistently the old fashioned way; the way the game was meant to be played.
    Reporter: So, in other words, you can’t.
   Devine: Correct.